When couples with children divorce it becomes necessary for the parents to consciously redefine their relationship as it relates to the continued parenting of their children. Couples may choose to end their marital connection, but the parenting connection continues. It is vital to the health and well being of your children to step into your new role as conscious co-parents.
It requires a conscious effort to redesign or transform the marital relationship to one that focuses only on co-parenting. Without this conscious effort co-parenting relationships tend to evolve out of the conflict and negativity of the ending marriage. As a result, children are absorbing the stress of intense parental conflict when they should be absorbing gentle parental nurturing. When parents bring their children into their differences it is called parental Alienation. There are varying degrees of severity. There is conscious and unconscious parental alienation. The continued inappropriate behavior of the parents will cause parental alienation syndrome in the children.
Marital / committed relationships imply intimacy. As relationships break down the intimacy proceeds from positive to negative intimacy, unless there is a conscious effort to redefine the co-parenting relationship. Redefining the relationship requires that parents learn to consistently
1) Separate personal issues from parenting issues
2) Establish new boundaries.
3) Learn how to effectively communicate with each other by putting the children’s needs first.
The former husband and wife or committed couple now only interacts in the best interest of the children. The quality of those interactions highly affects the emotional security and well being of the children, as well as, their relationship with each parent. Healthy Conscious Co-parenting is a difficult but necessary task, thus the continued reference to it requiring a
Conscious effort. Parents are being asked to accomplish an "emotional contradiction". Possibly the most intense, highly conflict, negative experience in ones lifetime is that of the divorce experience. Then, to request that parents peacefully co-parent is truly an emotional contradiction. Developing a productive and conscious co-parenting relationship often requires outside help such as classes, counseling, or coaching or all of the above. It clearly requires, of the parents, a shift in
Their perception of each other.
Messages sent to divorced families have much to do with the negative experience parents and children encounter. The court system, religions, the mindset of family and friends, and the overall mindset toward the traditional family in many subtle ways lead parents and children of divorce to perceive themselves as inadequate, not whole, and generally not ok. Given the fact that over 50% marriages end up in divorce, it is vital to the well being of our children and to the future of the next generation of families to shift our limiting beliefs about family.
IT IS OK TO BE A DIVORCED FAMILY. It is ok if a child has two dads and one mom or two moms and two dads. What isn't ok is if conflict, deceit, manipulation, and anger are a continuous part of the parental interaction. When the co-parenting interactions prevent a child from a nurturing relationship with each parent, then, that co-parenting relationship needs to be consciously redefined.
Divorced parents have the right and responsibility to live and view themselves as whole and adequate human beings who have within them the power and ability to provide nurturing environments for their children.
Dorcy Russell
CEO/Founder
Conscious Co-Parenting Institute
Moving Divorced Families From Divided To United!
dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Parental Alienation, What is it?
Are you interfering with the relationship between your children and the other parent? So many people have asked me to explain exactly what Parental Alienation is. Many people are the target parents of Parental Alienation or are themselves in some varying degree alienating their child/children from the other parent either consciously or subconsciously. Because so many people are affected and do not know the proper terminology. In this article you will learn some of the basic ways children are brainwashed into believing they have to choose one parent over the other.
Parental Alienation has devastating effects on children. To prevent the effect you must recognize the symptoms of P.A.S. Parental Alienation Syndrome. A majority of the symptoms or behaviors focus on one target parent. When the child vilifies the targeted parent, demonstrating hatred, then the condition becomes parental alienation syndrome. Do not get discouraged if you notice after reading the list below that some of your own behaviors have been alienating. This is normal in even the best of parents. Instead, let this list help sensitize you to how you are behaving and what you are saying to your children.
Included here is a list of the most common forms of Alienating Behaviors:
1. Giving children choices concerning visitation when visits to the other parent are mandatory. Allowing the child to decide for themselves to visit when there is a court order.
2. Detailing to the child "everything" about the marital relationship or reasons for the divorce is alienating. The parent usually argues that they simply “wish to be honest" with their children.
3. Refusing to acknowledge the child’s own property and that the child may want to transport these possessions between residences.
5. Blaming the other (alienated) parent for financial problems, breaking up the family, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc.
6. Refusing to acknowledge the child’s needs for flexibility with the visitation schedule. The alienating parent may schedule the children in so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visit. Of course, when the targeted parent protests, they are described as not caring and selfish.
7. Assuming that physical abuse from one parent to another will translate into the abusive parent assaulting the child. This assumption is not always true.
8. Asking the child to choose one parent’s residence over another parent causes the child considerable distress.
9. When a parent or stepparent raises the question about changing the child's name or suggests an adoption.
10. When children cannot give reasons for being angry towards a parent or their reasons are very vague without any details.
11. A parent having secrets, special signals, a private rendezvous, or words with special meanings are very destructive to the child building a relationship with the other parent, and reinforce an on-going alienation.
12. When a parent uses a child to spy or covertly gather information for the parent's own use, the child receives a damaging message that demeans the target parent.
13. Parents setting up temptations that interfere with the child's visitation are practicing alienation.
14. A parent suggesting or reacting with hurt or sadness to their child having a good time with the other parent will cause the child to withdraw and not
communicate. They will frequently feel guilty or conflicted not knowing that it's "okay" to have fun with their other parent.
15. A parent asking the child about his/her other parent's personal life will cause the child considerable tension and conflict. Children who are not alienated want to be loyal to both parents.
16. Parents who physically or psychologically “rescue” the children when there is no threat to their safety. This practice reinforces in the child's mind the illusion of threat or danger.
17. Making demands on the other parent that is contrary to court orders.
18.Listening in on the children's phone conversation
Although the above list is long it is not inclusive there are other varying ways the alienating parent goes about denigrating the relationship with the child/children the target parent. listed are most of the common ways the denigration happens.
If you are participating in any of the above behavior you are causing emotional and psychological damage to your children. You may be angry and think that your behavior is only affecting your ex and simply is not the case. It is not to late to stop alienating behavior and turn things around for your children.
This may be happening to you and this may be the first time it has been identified for you. There are things you can to re-brand yourself in court and present your case from a more enlightened point of view. This takes conscious and strategic step to ensure a restored healthy relationship with you children. At Conscious Co-Parenting Institute we offer parenting classes and one on one coaching to assist you in achieving custody goals and building a healthy relationship between you and your children. contact me at dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com for more information.
If you feel like to are an alienating parent and you are discovering for the first time or maybe you have had that gut feeling that what you were doing was somehow hurting your children yet you did not know how to stop, we at Conscious Co-parenting Institute are looking for people like you who are interested in participating in a confidential study working through shifting this behavior. It is NEVER to late to change the impact you have on your children. If you would like to have a free confidential coaching session. Please contact me at dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com
We look forward to moving your family from divided to united.
Parental Alienation has devastating effects on children. To prevent the effect you must recognize the symptoms of P.A.S. Parental Alienation Syndrome. A majority of the symptoms or behaviors focus on one target parent. When the child vilifies the targeted parent, demonstrating hatred, then the condition becomes parental alienation syndrome. Do not get discouraged if you notice after reading the list below that some of your own behaviors have been alienating. This is normal in even the best of parents. Instead, let this list help sensitize you to how you are behaving and what you are saying to your children.
Included here is a list of the most common forms of Alienating Behaviors:
1. Giving children choices concerning visitation when visits to the other parent are mandatory. Allowing the child to decide for themselves to visit when there is a court order.
2. Detailing to the child "everything" about the marital relationship or reasons for the divorce is alienating. The parent usually argues that they simply “wish to be honest" with their children.
3. Refusing to acknowledge the child’s own property and that the child may want to transport these possessions between residences.
5. Blaming the other (alienated) parent for financial problems, breaking up the family, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc.
6. Refusing to acknowledge the child’s needs for flexibility with the visitation schedule. The alienating parent may schedule the children in so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visit. Of course, when the targeted parent protests, they are described as not caring and selfish.
7. Assuming that physical abuse from one parent to another will translate into the abusive parent assaulting the child. This assumption is not always true.
8. Asking the child to choose one parent’s residence over another parent causes the child considerable distress.
9. When a parent or stepparent raises the question about changing the child's name or suggests an adoption.
10. When children cannot give reasons for being angry towards a parent or their reasons are very vague without any details.
11. A parent having secrets, special signals, a private rendezvous, or words with special meanings are very destructive to the child building a relationship with the other parent, and reinforce an on-going alienation.
12. When a parent uses a child to spy or covertly gather information for the parent's own use, the child receives a damaging message that demeans the target parent.
13. Parents setting up temptations that interfere with the child's visitation are practicing alienation.
14. A parent suggesting or reacting with hurt or sadness to their child having a good time with the other parent will cause the child to withdraw and not
communicate. They will frequently feel guilty or conflicted not knowing that it's "okay" to have fun with their other parent.
15. A parent asking the child about his/her other parent's personal life will cause the child considerable tension and conflict. Children who are not alienated want to be loyal to both parents.
16. Parents who physically or psychologically “rescue” the children when there is no threat to their safety. This practice reinforces in the child's mind the illusion of threat or danger.
17. Making demands on the other parent that is contrary to court orders.
18.Listening in on the children's phone conversation
Although the above list is long it is not inclusive there are other varying ways the alienating parent goes about denigrating the relationship with the child/children the target parent. listed are most of the common ways the denigration happens.
If you are participating in any of the above behavior you are causing emotional and psychological damage to your children. You may be angry and think that your behavior is only affecting your ex and simply is not the case. It is not to late to stop alienating behavior and turn things around for your children.
This may be happening to you and this may be the first time it has been identified for you. There are things you can to re-brand yourself in court and present your case from a more enlightened point of view. This takes conscious and strategic step to ensure a restored healthy relationship with you children. At Conscious Co-Parenting Institute we offer parenting classes and one on one coaching to assist you in achieving custody goals and building a healthy relationship between you and your children. contact me at dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com for more information.
If you feel like to are an alienating parent and you are discovering for the first time or maybe you have had that gut feeling that what you were doing was somehow hurting your children yet you did not know how to stop, we at Conscious Co-parenting Institute are looking for people like you who are interested in participating in a confidential study working through shifting this behavior. It is NEVER to late to change the impact you have on your children. If you would like to have a free confidential coaching session. Please contact me at dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com
We look forward to moving your family from divided to united.
Monday, April 13, 2009
7 Key Elements To Avoid An Argument With Your Ex
Every time I have a conversation with my Ex we argue!
7 Key elements to avoid an argument
with your ex-spouse
Often times the alienating parent acts under the assumption-conscious or unconscious-that all their problems with her ex-spouse will go away if they can convince the children to hate that target ex-spouse. Since I’ve been working with target parents alienating parents and children I have yet to meet an alienating parent who is happy about what he or she is doing and the reason is simple: for these purposes of alienation does not work.
There are many different reasons why parents try to alienate the children from the other parent, though they are not usually conscious of their motives trying to resolve guilt for abandoning the family, an inability to control rage after feeling betrayed and getting defensive at the thought of losing a parental identity are all possible motives. Whatever the reason, when parental alienation is involved, one or both parents have a difficult time seeing the side of the other parent, this results in hurt feelings, anger and bitterness that last for years maybe even forever. The parent’s conversations are generally arguments and nothing ever gets resolved. Most of the time the target parent has to step up to the plate and take the high road. Included are a few key elements to learning how to take responsibility for your contributions as one of the two parents in your child/children’s lives.
1. Remain calm, and try not to make demands. Make suggestions and negotiate. If you don’t succeed at keeping the tension down, then agree to come back to the issue later.
2. Be specific about what you want. You should be able to describe in a way that the other person can literally visualize in their mind. If you are trying to get your ex-spouse to understand something you can’t explain where they can visualize it, then this fuels anger and that is unfair.
3. Avoid telling your ex-spouse that they are wrong. Instead, tell your ex-spouse that you have a different idea about how to handle a particular situation. This approach avoids someone being right and someone being wrong.
4. Understand that you don’t always have to agree. “Agreeing to disagree” is much better for the children than their parents continue to fight in front of them.
5. Put the issue into perspective. Ask yourself on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most important thing you have to handle and 1 and one being the least important thing, how important is this issue? If you rates 4 or less then it is probably not worth the battle putting the issue in perspective before create less tension all around.
6. Listen for feelings. The art of effective communication is the understanding of how love and fear interact with each other. A good communicator knows that people’s emotional state is an essential element to understanding them.
7. Develop compassion for your ex spouse. Our feelings are our birthright. Having certain feelings does not entitle us to act on then. There is a big difference between what we are entitled to feel and what we have a right to do. Use the Golden Rule “Treat people the way you want to be treated” and the Universal Rule “ Act the way you would want everyone to act” to guide you in the decision on what behavior is acceptable and what is not when communicating with your ex spouse.
These are just a few of the key elements in defusing or preventing a heated situation when dealing with your ex spouse. Remember that compassion is the ability to see the world through another person’s eyes. If you lead my example with having compassionate communication with your ex spouse you will teach your children this very effective and valuable life lesson.
7 Key elements to avoid an argument
with your ex-spouse
Often times the alienating parent acts under the assumption-conscious or unconscious-that all their problems with her ex-spouse will go away if they can convince the children to hate that target ex-spouse. Since I’ve been working with target parents alienating parents and children I have yet to meet an alienating parent who is happy about what he or she is doing and the reason is simple: for these purposes of alienation does not work.
There are many different reasons why parents try to alienate the children from the other parent, though they are not usually conscious of their motives trying to resolve guilt for abandoning the family, an inability to control rage after feeling betrayed and getting defensive at the thought of losing a parental identity are all possible motives. Whatever the reason, when parental alienation is involved, one or both parents have a difficult time seeing the side of the other parent, this results in hurt feelings, anger and bitterness that last for years maybe even forever. The parent’s conversations are generally arguments and nothing ever gets resolved. Most of the time the target parent has to step up to the plate and take the high road. Included are a few key elements to learning how to take responsibility for your contributions as one of the two parents in your child/children’s lives.
1. Remain calm, and try not to make demands. Make suggestions and negotiate. If you don’t succeed at keeping the tension down, then agree to come back to the issue later.
2. Be specific about what you want. You should be able to describe in a way that the other person can literally visualize in their mind. If you are trying to get your ex-spouse to understand something you can’t explain where they can visualize it, then this fuels anger and that is unfair.
3. Avoid telling your ex-spouse that they are wrong. Instead, tell your ex-spouse that you have a different idea about how to handle a particular situation. This approach avoids someone being right and someone being wrong.
4. Understand that you don’t always have to agree. “Agreeing to disagree” is much better for the children than their parents continue to fight in front of them.
5. Put the issue into perspective. Ask yourself on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most important thing you have to handle and 1 and one being the least important thing, how important is this issue? If you rates 4 or less then it is probably not worth the battle putting the issue in perspective before create less tension all around.
6. Listen for feelings. The art of effective communication is the understanding of how love and fear interact with each other. A good communicator knows that people’s emotional state is an essential element to understanding them.
7. Develop compassion for your ex spouse. Our feelings are our birthright. Having certain feelings does not entitle us to act on then. There is a big difference between what we are entitled to feel and what we have a right to do. Use the Golden Rule “Treat people the way you want to be treated” and the Universal Rule “ Act the way you would want everyone to act” to guide you in the decision on what behavior is acceptable and what is not when communicating with your ex spouse.
These are just a few of the key elements in defusing or preventing a heated situation when dealing with your ex spouse. Remember that compassion is the ability to see the world through another person’s eyes. If you lead my example with having compassionate communication with your ex spouse you will teach your children this very effective and valuable life lesson.
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