Today after sending my beautiful daughters off to spend the day with their father I can’t help thinking about my own father and the tragedy of the loss of our relationship when I was a young girl. I think about how hard it is to do it right. How hard it is to watch these little girls travel off with their own father yet knowing that even though it is hard for me it is what is best for them.
As an adult child of Parental Alienation I know the enormous pain that is felt by a child who has lost their parent. I know the enormous pain as a divorced mom and the fact that I can’t be with my children 24/7 and the fact that their father has a say so too. I am frustrated constantly by his passive aggressive behavior even though I know that it is his own fear. I want to be enraged and do it back to him. A severe alienator raised me and I certainly have seen all the tricks in the book. I had participated in these behaviors as a child, with my own father. Yet the moment I go to those thoughts with regard to my own children, I remind myself of the pain that it has caused me and the mere thought of causing even a fraction of that pain for my children stops me from moving in that direction. I know I am one of the lucky ones. As an adult child of PAS I very easily could have gone down the same road as my mother. I could have processed through that very low place in myself and caused a great deal of pain for many. I made the choice to do something different.
On this fathers day I think about the men I have dated since my own divorce and how all of them have suffered tremendous loss at the hands of their ex wife’s, narcissistic women who have suffered some sort of deep seeded pain in their own life, probably in childhood, that has caused them to abuse their children through punishing their ex for not providing them with what so clearly comes from the inside. These women have used their children as pawns to extract money from their ex’s, they have called their ex’s and me the most horrific thing you could imagine in front of the children. They have brained washed these young souls into believing their own tragic lies and have used them as their counselor shared inappropriate information and have caused the loss of a loving parent in their children’s lives. Their behavior is so vast and toxic to share here today.
I have experienced Parental alienation in my life from all angles. I have even felt the strong pull to want to seek revenge on the alienators in my life; I have felt the desire to hurt them as much as they have hurt me. I HAVE BEEN THERE. I know what it feels like to be the child lost and scared feeling abandoned by one parent and hated by the other. The adult who has had many dysfunctional relationships looking for someone to take care of me emotionally and to love me, the divorced mother who has to share her children with their father and not wanting to, but doing so anyways because it is what is best for my children, going against what I was taught as a child from my mother the alienator in my life, reminding myself of the pain that it caused me and my father and really everyone I have had a relationship with since childhood. I have been fighting with the demons inside of me to find footing in the world as a human being and believing enough in myself that I am a good parent and not alienating myself from my children or my children from their father. I have been the girlfriend of a few unsuspecting men who had no idea what was happening to them as their once loving bond with their children was broken that their children were mean to them saying they were horrible people and parents. I have sat up many a nights holding the man that I love and letting him know that I understand and that deep in the hearts of his children there is unconditional love for him and they are lost, their brains had been robbed and they are uncertain of how to find their way back and to keep fighting for them, stay strong don’t ever give up.
On this Fathers day I am sadden by the many people who have spent many years suffering at the hands of this ill fated global epidemic, Parental Alienation. From the Children who suffer in silence not knowing what is happening to them, as one of the people who gave them life manipulates their minds into believing that their other parent is not worthy of being a parent and that the other parent is not capable of being as good of a parent as they are or worse that a loving parent does not love them. That some how in this manipulation these young minds are being robbed of their God given right to have a relationship with both of their parents. These young people have no idea what is happening. They have fallen victim to this horrible tragedy. Many of these young people grow up without one of their parents actively in their lives and in doing so this has caused problems with all of their adult relationships, this has caused many to search outside of themselves in very destructive ways for something that really comes from the inside.
In my quest to gain knowledge in my own life, I discovered in my undying need to be loved in an unhealthy and codependent way, Parental Alienation. I discovered that I was not alone. I discovered that not only was I not alone but that I was here on this earth in this lifetime to help expose this horrible tragedy that is tearing apart our worlds families but more importantly to provide solutions to overcoming the problem.
My story has a marginal happy ending. I have reconnected with my father although we had many failed attempts through the years when I discover what had happened I was able to educate my siblings and my father. I was able to reach out from a different place as I worked on getting things right on the inside for me. My father has seven children and seven grandchildren and we were all together for the very first time to surprise him for his 60th birthday last year. I felt an overwhelming feeling of love the moment I saw my fathers face when he saw all of us standing there waiting to celebrate his life. There was not a dry eye in the room.
I felt compelled to share my story with you this father’s day for a couple of reason. My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and although he has beat the odds and the amount of time they have given him to live in my heart I know the end is coming soon. I want to share with you that it is never to late to stop the behavior; it is never to late to reach out as the child or as adult child of PAS. It is never to late as the target parent to reconnect to change your mindset and behavior. There are proven ways to get this right. I figured out a lot of things on my own and through getting educated and now I help other do exactly the same thing. I have to admit that it is not easy. I still struggle with staying in touch and letting go of the old pain. When it creeps up I recognize it much faster and deal with it in a proactive way. The other reason I wanted to share is unless you know me personally or have worked with me you have not heard my personal story with parental alienation. I have not shared my own experience with PAS because I was ashamed of how I behaved for so may years towards my father and my experience has been so painful I did not want to share it. I also still have not mended my relationship with my mother, the main alienator in my life.
I would like to think that at some point that I can have peace surrounding the relationships with both of my parents. I would like to point out that some of the thing my mother said about my father were true however it is important to remember that people are here to learn and grow and that some people may have character flaws but that does not make them a bad parent or that they should not have a right to have a relationship with their children. Interestingly although my father is not the greatest man that ever lived neither is my mother and if I were to look at the two of them, as parents in my fathers presence I ALWAYS feel loved I have had the most tumultuous relationship with my mother. She has been mean, hateful and when confronted she is in complete denial. I have tried for many years to mend this relationship and still hold out hope that my mother will have an even bigger voice for change. I believe that everyone does what they do out of love or fear. I believe that my mother has been processing from a place of fear her entire life and that she has never truly loved herself so she has never been able to love others. She does not know what it feels like to be loved. I am holding the space open for her and for other alienators to step up to admit that they have done something that is hurting their children to own their behavior and to change. I know many of you reading this may think this is silly and impossible, at times I feel the same way, however in the past 90 days I have been working with a handful of parents that answered a call to participate in a study to see if they could change their behavior. I have to tell you the results are astounding. I have seen positive change in people that I never thought would be possible.
It is never to late to change. Anybody can do it. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes proactive action and conscious parenting. If you are an alienating parent and you know who you are reach out and seek the help you need to get right on the inside. Step up and really do what is necessary to provide a loving environment for your children. If you are a target parent take back your life. Do the work you need to do to become aware of how you are contributing. Stop thinking and acting like a victim and take control of the situation. Find the right people to help you take back your power and your relationship with your children. If you are a child of PAS adult or otherwise you are the true victim here but it does not have to stay that way. It really is never to late to take control of your life. To learn the skills you need to reconnect with your other parent and loved ones.
There are so many ways to bring our families together. So many things that we ALL can do differently. I am hear as a voice and as a leader in proactive and positive change.
Thank you letting me shares with you a brief glimpse into my personal journey with Parental Alienations.
Happy Fathers day to all of the wonderful fathers in the world. To the Fathers who are being denied the right to being an active father, just know that deep down inside your children they hold a space of unconditional love for you. They are just being robbed of their ability to take action and to show it☺ Say it out loud say it on this special day I LOVE YOU to your children even if they can’t hear you they can feel it. Unconditional love does not stop just because they are not in your everyday life
In love, light and peace,
Dorcy Russell
http://www.consciouscoparentinginstitute.com
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Conscious Co-Parenting Relationship: Making The Shift, Moving Your Divorced Family From Divided to United.
When couples with children divorce it becomes necessary for the parents to consciously redefine their relationship as it relates to the continued parenting of their children. Couples may choose to end their marital connection, but the parenting connection continues. It is vital to the health and well being of your children to step into your new role as conscious co-parents.
It requires a conscious effort to redesign or transform the marital relationship to one that focuses only on co-parenting. Without this conscious effort co-parenting relationships tend to evolve out of the conflict and negativity of the ending marriage. As a result, children are absorbing the stress of intense parental conflict when they should be absorbing gentle parental nurturing. When parents bring their children into their differences it is called parental Alienation. There are varying degrees of severity. There is conscious and unconscious parental alienation. The continued inappropriate behavior of the parents will cause parental alienation syndrome in the children.
Marital / committed relationships imply intimacy. As relationships break down the intimacy proceeds from positive to negative intimacy, unless there is a conscious effort to redefine the co-parenting relationship. Redefining the relationship requires that parents learn to consistently
1) Separate personal issues from parenting issues
2) Establish new boundaries.
3) Learn how to effectively communicate with each other by putting the children’s needs first.
The former husband and wife or committed couple now only interacts in the best interest of the children. The quality of those interactions highly affects the emotional security and well being of the children, as well as, their relationship with each parent. Healthy Conscious Co-parenting is a difficult but necessary task, thus the continued reference to it requiring a
Conscious effort. Parents are being asked to accomplish an "emotional contradiction". Possibly the most intense, highly conflict, negative experience in ones lifetime is that of the divorce experience. Then, to request that parents peacefully co-parent is truly an emotional contradiction. Developing a productive and conscious co-parenting relationship often requires outside help such as classes, counseling, or coaching or all of the above. It clearly requires, of the parents, a shift in
Their perception of each other.
Messages sent to divorced families have much to do with the negative experience parents and children encounter. The court system, religions, the mindset of family and friends, and the overall mindset toward the traditional family in many subtle ways lead parents and children of divorce to perceive themselves as inadequate, not whole, and generally not ok. Given the fact that over 50% marriages end up in divorce, it is vital to the well being of our children and to the future of the next generation of families to shift our limiting beliefs about family.
IT IS OK TO BE A DIVORCED FAMILY. It is ok if a child has two dads and one mom or two moms and two dads. What isn't ok is if conflict, deceit, manipulation, and anger are a continuous part of the parental interaction. When the co-parenting interactions prevent a child from a nurturing relationship with each parent, then, that co-parenting relationship needs to be consciously redefined.
Divorced parents have the right and responsibility to live and view themselves as whole and adequate human beings who have within them the power and ability to provide nurturing environments for their children.
Dorcy Russell
CEO/Founder
Conscious Co-Parenting Institute
Moving Divorced Families From Divided To United!
dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com
It requires a conscious effort to redesign or transform the marital relationship to one that focuses only on co-parenting. Without this conscious effort co-parenting relationships tend to evolve out of the conflict and negativity of the ending marriage. As a result, children are absorbing the stress of intense parental conflict when they should be absorbing gentle parental nurturing. When parents bring their children into their differences it is called parental Alienation. There are varying degrees of severity. There is conscious and unconscious parental alienation. The continued inappropriate behavior of the parents will cause parental alienation syndrome in the children.
Marital / committed relationships imply intimacy. As relationships break down the intimacy proceeds from positive to negative intimacy, unless there is a conscious effort to redefine the co-parenting relationship. Redefining the relationship requires that parents learn to consistently
1) Separate personal issues from parenting issues
2) Establish new boundaries.
3) Learn how to effectively communicate with each other by putting the children’s needs first.
The former husband and wife or committed couple now only interacts in the best interest of the children. The quality of those interactions highly affects the emotional security and well being of the children, as well as, their relationship with each parent. Healthy Conscious Co-parenting is a difficult but necessary task, thus the continued reference to it requiring a
Conscious effort. Parents are being asked to accomplish an "emotional contradiction". Possibly the most intense, highly conflict, negative experience in ones lifetime is that of the divorce experience. Then, to request that parents peacefully co-parent is truly an emotional contradiction. Developing a productive and conscious co-parenting relationship often requires outside help such as classes, counseling, or coaching or all of the above. It clearly requires, of the parents, a shift in
Their perception of each other.
Messages sent to divorced families have much to do with the negative experience parents and children encounter. The court system, religions, the mindset of family and friends, and the overall mindset toward the traditional family in many subtle ways lead parents and children of divorce to perceive themselves as inadequate, not whole, and generally not ok. Given the fact that over 50% marriages end up in divorce, it is vital to the well being of our children and to the future of the next generation of families to shift our limiting beliefs about family.
IT IS OK TO BE A DIVORCED FAMILY. It is ok if a child has two dads and one mom or two moms and two dads. What isn't ok is if conflict, deceit, manipulation, and anger are a continuous part of the parental interaction. When the co-parenting interactions prevent a child from a nurturing relationship with each parent, then, that co-parenting relationship needs to be consciously redefined.
Divorced parents have the right and responsibility to live and view themselves as whole and adequate human beings who have within them the power and ability to provide nurturing environments for their children.
Dorcy Russell
CEO/Founder
Conscious Co-Parenting Institute
Moving Divorced Families From Divided To United!
dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Parental Alienation, What is it?
Are you interfering with the relationship between your children and the other parent? So many people have asked me to explain exactly what Parental Alienation is. Many people are the target parents of Parental Alienation or are themselves in some varying degree alienating their child/children from the other parent either consciously or subconsciously. Because so many people are affected and do not know the proper terminology. In this article you will learn some of the basic ways children are brainwashed into believing they have to choose one parent over the other.
Parental Alienation has devastating effects on children. To prevent the effect you must recognize the symptoms of P.A.S. Parental Alienation Syndrome. A majority of the symptoms or behaviors focus on one target parent. When the child vilifies the targeted parent, demonstrating hatred, then the condition becomes parental alienation syndrome. Do not get discouraged if you notice after reading the list below that some of your own behaviors have been alienating. This is normal in even the best of parents. Instead, let this list help sensitize you to how you are behaving and what you are saying to your children.
Included here is a list of the most common forms of Alienating Behaviors:
1. Giving children choices concerning visitation when visits to the other parent are mandatory. Allowing the child to decide for themselves to visit when there is a court order.
2. Detailing to the child "everything" about the marital relationship or reasons for the divorce is alienating. The parent usually argues that they simply “wish to be honest" with their children.
3. Refusing to acknowledge the child’s own property and that the child may want to transport these possessions between residences.
5. Blaming the other (alienated) parent for financial problems, breaking up the family, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc.
6. Refusing to acknowledge the child’s needs for flexibility with the visitation schedule. The alienating parent may schedule the children in so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visit. Of course, when the targeted parent protests, they are described as not caring and selfish.
7. Assuming that physical abuse from one parent to another will translate into the abusive parent assaulting the child. This assumption is not always true.
8. Asking the child to choose one parent’s residence over another parent causes the child considerable distress.
9. When a parent or stepparent raises the question about changing the child's name or suggests an adoption.
10. When children cannot give reasons for being angry towards a parent or their reasons are very vague without any details.
11. A parent having secrets, special signals, a private rendezvous, or words with special meanings are very destructive to the child building a relationship with the other parent, and reinforce an on-going alienation.
12. When a parent uses a child to spy or covertly gather information for the parent's own use, the child receives a damaging message that demeans the target parent.
13. Parents setting up temptations that interfere with the child's visitation are practicing alienation.
14. A parent suggesting or reacting with hurt or sadness to their child having a good time with the other parent will cause the child to withdraw and not
communicate. They will frequently feel guilty or conflicted not knowing that it's "okay" to have fun with their other parent.
15. A parent asking the child about his/her other parent's personal life will cause the child considerable tension and conflict. Children who are not alienated want to be loyal to both parents.
16. Parents who physically or psychologically “rescue” the children when there is no threat to their safety. This practice reinforces in the child's mind the illusion of threat or danger.
17. Making demands on the other parent that is contrary to court orders.
18.Listening in on the children's phone conversation
Although the above list is long it is not inclusive there are other varying ways the alienating parent goes about denigrating the relationship with the child/children the target parent. listed are most of the common ways the denigration happens.
If you are participating in any of the above behavior you are causing emotional and psychological damage to your children. You may be angry and think that your behavior is only affecting your ex and simply is not the case. It is not to late to stop alienating behavior and turn things around for your children.
This may be happening to you and this may be the first time it has been identified for you. There are things you can to re-brand yourself in court and present your case from a more enlightened point of view. This takes conscious and strategic step to ensure a restored healthy relationship with you children. At Conscious Co-Parenting Institute we offer parenting classes and one on one coaching to assist you in achieving custody goals and building a healthy relationship between you and your children. contact me at dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com for more information.
If you feel like to are an alienating parent and you are discovering for the first time or maybe you have had that gut feeling that what you were doing was somehow hurting your children yet you did not know how to stop, we at Conscious Co-parenting Institute are looking for people like you who are interested in participating in a confidential study working through shifting this behavior. It is NEVER to late to change the impact you have on your children. If you would like to have a free confidential coaching session. Please contact me at dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com
We look forward to moving your family from divided to united.
Parental Alienation has devastating effects on children. To prevent the effect you must recognize the symptoms of P.A.S. Parental Alienation Syndrome. A majority of the symptoms or behaviors focus on one target parent. When the child vilifies the targeted parent, demonstrating hatred, then the condition becomes parental alienation syndrome. Do not get discouraged if you notice after reading the list below that some of your own behaviors have been alienating. This is normal in even the best of parents. Instead, let this list help sensitize you to how you are behaving and what you are saying to your children.
Included here is a list of the most common forms of Alienating Behaviors:
1. Giving children choices concerning visitation when visits to the other parent are mandatory. Allowing the child to decide for themselves to visit when there is a court order.
2. Detailing to the child "everything" about the marital relationship or reasons for the divorce is alienating. The parent usually argues that they simply “wish to be honest" with their children.
3. Refusing to acknowledge the child’s own property and that the child may want to transport these possessions between residences.
5. Blaming the other (alienated) parent for financial problems, breaking up the family, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc.
6. Refusing to acknowledge the child’s needs for flexibility with the visitation schedule. The alienating parent may schedule the children in so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visit. Of course, when the targeted parent protests, they are described as not caring and selfish.
7. Assuming that physical abuse from one parent to another will translate into the abusive parent assaulting the child. This assumption is not always true.
8. Asking the child to choose one parent’s residence over another parent causes the child considerable distress.
9. When a parent or stepparent raises the question about changing the child's name or suggests an adoption.
10. When children cannot give reasons for being angry towards a parent or their reasons are very vague without any details.
11. A parent having secrets, special signals, a private rendezvous, or words with special meanings are very destructive to the child building a relationship with the other parent, and reinforce an on-going alienation.
12. When a parent uses a child to spy or covertly gather information for the parent's own use, the child receives a damaging message that demeans the target parent.
13. Parents setting up temptations that interfere with the child's visitation are practicing alienation.
14. A parent suggesting or reacting with hurt or sadness to their child having a good time with the other parent will cause the child to withdraw and not
communicate. They will frequently feel guilty or conflicted not knowing that it's "okay" to have fun with their other parent.
15. A parent asking the child about his/her other parent's personal life will cause the child considerable tension and conflict. Children who are not alienated want to be loyal to both parents.
16. Parents who physically or psychologically “rescue” the children when there is no threat to their safety. This practice reinforces in the child's mind the illusion of threat or danger.
17. Making demands on the other parent that is contrary to court orders.
18.Listening in on the children's phone conversation
Although the above list is long it is not inclusive there are other varying ways the alienating parent goes about denigrating the relationship with the child/children the target parent. listed are most of the common ways the denigration happens.
If you are participating in any of the above behavior you are causing emotional and psychological damage to your children. You may be angry and think that your behavior is only affecting your ex and simply is not the case. It is not to late to stop alienating behavior and turn things around for your children.
This may be happening to you and this may be the first time it has been identified for you. There are things you can to re-brand yourself in court and present your case from a more enlightened point of view. This takes conscious and strategic step to ensure a restored healthy relationship with you children. At Conscious Co-Parenting Institute we offer parenting classes and one on one coaching to assist you in achieving custody goals and building a healthy relationship between you and your children. contact me at dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com for more information.
If you feel like to are an alienating parent and you are discovering for the first time or maybe you have had that gut feeling that what you were doing was somehow hurting your children yet you did not know how to stop, we at Conscious Co-parenting Institute are looking for people like you who are interested in participating in a confidential study working through shifting this behavior. It is NEVER to late to change the impact you have on your children. If you would like to have a free confidential coaching session. Please contact me at dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com
We look forward to moving your family from divided to united.
Monday, April 13, 2009
7 Key Elements To Avoid An Argument With Your Ex
Every time I have a conversation with my Ex we argue!
7 Key elements to avoid an argument
with your ex-spouse
Often times the alienating parent acts under the assumption-conscious or unconscious-that all their problems with her ex-spouse will go away if they can convince the children to hate that target ex-spouse. Since I’ve been working with target parents alienating parents and children I have yet to meet an alienating parent who is happy about what he or she is doing and the reason is simple: for these purposes of alienation does not work.
There are many different reasons why parents try to alienate the children from the other parent, though they are not usually conscious of their motives trying to resolve guilt for abandoning the family, an inability to control rage after feeling betrayed and getting defensive at the thought of losing a parental identity are all possible motives. Whatever the reason, when parental alienation is involved, one or both parents have a difficult time seeing the side of the other parent, this results in hurt feelings, anger and bitterness that last for years maybe even forever. The parent’s conversations are generally arguments and nothing ever gets resolved. Most of the time the target parent has to step up to the plate and take the high road. Included are a few key elements to learning how to take responsibility for your contributions as one of the two parents in your child/children’s lives.
1. Remain calm, and try not to make demands. Make suggestions and negotiate. If you don’t succeed at keeping the tension down, then agree to come back to the issue later.
2. Be specific about what you want. You should be able to describe in a way that the other person can literally visualize in their mind. If you are trying to get your ex-spouse to understand something you can’t explain where they can visualize it, then this fuels anger and that is unfair.
3. Avoid telling your ex-spouse that they are wrong. Instead, tell your ex-spouse that you have a different idea about how to handle a particular situation. This approach avoids someone being right and someone being wrong.
4. Understand that you don’t always have to agree. “Agreeing to disagree” is much better for the children than their parents continue to fight in front of them.
5. Put the issue into perspective. Ask yourself on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most important thing you have to handle and 1 and one being the least important thing, how important is this issue? If you rates 4 or less then it is probably not worth the battle putting the issue in perspective before create less tension all around.
6. Listen for feelings. The art of effective communication is the understanding of how love and fear interact with each other. A good communicator knows that people’s emotional state is an essential element to understanding them.
7. Develop compassion for your ex spouse. Our feelings are our birthright. Having certain feelings does not entitle us to act on then. There is a big difference between what we are entitled to feel and what we have a right to do. Use the Golden Rule “Treat people the way you want to be treated” and the Universal Rule “ Act the way you would want everyone to act” to guide you in the decision on what behavior is acceptable and what is not when communicating with your ex spouse.
These are just a few of the key elements in defusing or preventing a heated situation when dealing with your ex spouse. Remember that compassion is the ability to see the world through another person’s eyes. If you lead my example with having compassionate communication with your ex spouse you will teach your children this very effective and valuable life lesson.
7 Key elements to avoid an argument
with your ex-spouse
Often times the alienating parent acts under the assumption-conscious or unconscious-that all their problems with her ex-spouse will go away if they can convince the children to hate that target ex-spouse. Since I’ve been working with target parents alienating parents and children I have yet to meet an alienating parent who is happy about what he or she is doing and the reason is simple: for these purposes of alienation does not work.
There are many different reasons why parents try to alienate the children from the other parent, though they are not usually conscious of their motives trying to resolve guilt for abandoning the family, an inability to control rage after feeling betrayed and getting defensive at the thought of losing a parental identity are all possible motives. Whatever the reason, when parental alienation is involved, one or both parents have a difficult time seeing the side of the other parent, this results in hurt feelings, anger and bitterness that last for years maybe even forever. The parent’s conversations are generally arguments and nothing ever gets resolved. Most of the time the target parent has to step up to the plate and take the high road. Included are a few key elements to learning how to take responsibility for your contributions as one of the two parents in your child/children’s lives.
1. Remain calm, and try not to make demands. Make suggestions and negotiate. If you don’t succeed at keeping the tension down, then agree to come back to the issue later.
2. Be specific about what you want. You should be able to describe in a way that the other person can literally visualize in their mind. If you are trying to get your ex-spouse to understand something you can’t explain where they can visualize it, then this fuels anger and that is unfair.
3. Avoid telling your ex-spouse that they are wrong. Instead, tell your ex-spouse that you have a different idea about how to handle a particular situation. This approach avoids someone being right and someone being wrong.
4. Understand that you don’t always have to agree. “Agreeing to disagree” is much better for the children than their parents continue to fight in front of them.
5. Put the issue into perspective. Ask yourself on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most important thing you have to handle and 1 and one being the least important thing, how important is this issue? If you rates 4 or less then it is probably not worth the battle putting the issue in perspective before create less tension all around.
6. Listen for feelings. The art of effective communication is the understanding of how love and fear interact with each other. A good communicator knows that people’s emotional state is an essential element to understanding them.
7. Develop compassion for your ex spouse. Our feelings are our birthright. Having certain feelings does not entitle us to act on then. There is a big difference between what we are entitled to feel and what we have a right to do. Use the Golden Rule “Treat people the way you want to be treated” and the Universal Rule “ Act the way you would want everyone to act” to guide you in the decision on what behavior is acceptable and what is not when communicating with your ex spouse.
These are just a few of the key elements in defusing or preventing a heated situation when dealing with your ex spouse. Remember that compassion is the ability to see the world through another person’s eyes. If you lead my example with having compassionate communication with your ex spouse you will teach your children this very effective and valuable life lesson.
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