Today after sending my beautiful daughters off to spend the day with their father I can’t help thinking about my own father and the tragedy of the loss of our relationship when I was a young girl. I think about how hard it is to do it right. How hard it is to watch these little girls travel off with their own father yet knowing that even though it is hard for me it is what is best for them.
As an adult child of Parental Alienation I know the enormous pain that is felt by a child who has lost their parent. I know the enormous pain as a divorced mom and the fact that I can’t be with my children 24/7 and the fact that their father has a say so too. I am frustrated constantly by his passive aggressive behavior even though I know that it is his own fear. I want to be enraged and do it back to him. A severe alienator raised me and I certainly have seen all the tricks in the book. I had participated in these behaviors as a child, with my own father. Yet the moment I go to those thoughts with regard to my own children, I remind myself of the pain that it has caused me and the mere thought of causing even a fraction of that pain for my children stops me from moving in that direction. I know I am one of the lucky ones. As an adult child of PAS I very easily could have gone down the same road as my mother. I could have processed through that very low place in myself and caused a great deal of pain for many. I made the choice to do something different.
On this fathers day I think about the men I have dated since my own divorce and how all of them have suffered tremendous loss at the hands of their ex wife’s, narcissistic women who have suffered some sort of deep seeded pain in their own life, probably in childhood, that has caused them to abuse their children through punishing their ex for not providing them with what so clearly comes from the inside. These women have used their children as pawns to extract money from their ex’s, they have called their ex’s and me the most horrific thing you could imagine in front of the children. They have brained washed these young souls into believing their own tragic lies and have used them as their counselor shared inappropriate information and have caused the loss of a loving parent in their children’s lives. Their behavior is so vast and toxic to share here today.
I have experienced Parental alienation in my life from all angles. I have even felt the strong pull to want to seek revenge on the alienators in my life; I have felt the desire to hurt them as much as they have hurt me. I HAVE BEEN THERE. I know what it feels like to be the child lost and scared feeling abandoned by one parent and hated by the other. The adult who has had many dysfunctional relationships looking for someone to take care of me emotionally and to love me, the divorced mother who has to share her children with their father and not wanting to, but doing so anyways because it is what is best for my children, going against what I was taught as a child from my mother the alienator in my life, reminding myself of the pain that it caused me and my father and really everyone I have had a relationship with since childhood. I have been fighting with the demons inside of me to find footing in the world as a human being and believing enough in myself that I am a good parent and not alienating myself from my children or my children from their father. I have been the girlfriend of a few unsuspecting men who had no idea what was happening to them as their once loving bond with their children was broken that their children were mean to them saying they were horrible people and parents. I have sat up many a nights holding the man that I love and letting him know that I understand and that deep in the hearts of his children there is unconditional love for him and they are lost, their brains had been robbed and they are uncertain of how to find their way back and to keep fighting for them, stay strong don’t ever give up.
On this Fathers day I am sadden by the many people who have spent many years suffering at the hands of this ill fated global epidemic, Parental Alienation. From the Children who suffer in silence not knowing what is happening to them, as one of the people who gave them life manipulates their minds into believing that their other parent is not worthy of being a parent and that the other parent is not capable of being as good of a parent as they are or worse that a loving parent does not love them. That some how in this manipulation these young minds are being robbed of their God given right to have a relationship with both of their parents. These young people have no idea what is happening. They have fallen victim to this horrible tragedy. Many of these young people grow up without one of their parents actively in their lives and in doing so this has caused problems with all of their adult relationships, this has caused many to search outside of themselves in very destructive ways for something that really comes from the inside.
In my quest to gain knowledge in my own life, I discovered in my undying need to be loved in an unhealthy and codependent way, Parental Alienation. I discovered that I was not alone. I discovered that not only was I not alone but that I was here on this earth in this lifetime to help expose this horrible tragedy that is tearing apart our worlds families but more importantly to provide solutions to overcoming the problem.
My story has a marginal happy ending. I have reconnected with my father although we had many failed attempts through the years when I discover what had happened I was able to educate my siblings and my father. I was able to reach out from a different place as I worked on getting things right on the inside for me. My father has seven children and seven grandchildren and we were all together for the very first time to surprise him for his 60th birthday last year. I felt an overwhelming feeling of love the moment I saw my fathers face when he saw all of us standing there waiting to celebrate his life. There was not a dry eye in the room.
I felt compelled to share my story with you this father’s day for a couple of reason. My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and although he has beat the odds and the amount of time they have given him to live in my heart I know the end is coming soon. I want to share with you that it is never to late to stop the behavior; it is never to late to reach out as the child or as adult child of PAS. It is never to late as the target parent to reconnect to change your mindset and behavior. There are proven ways to get this right. I figured out a lot of things on my own and through getting educated and now I help other do exactly the same thing. I have to admit that it is not easy. I still struggle with staying in touch and letting go of the old pain. When it creeps up I recognize it much faster and deal with it in a proactive way. The other reason I wanted to share is unless you know me personally or have worked with me you have not heard my personal story with parental alienation. I have not shared my own experience with PAS because I was ashamed of how I behaved for so may years towards my father and my experience has been so painful I did not want to share it. I also still have not mended my relationship with my mother, the main alienator in my life.
I would like to think that at some point that I can have peace surrounding the relationships with both of my parents. I would like to point out that some of the thing my mother said about my father were true however it is important to remember that people are here to learn and grow and that some people may have character flaws but that does not make them a bad parent or that they should not have a right to have a relationship with their children. Interestingly although my father is not the greatest man that ever lived neither is my mother and if I were to look at the two of them, as parents in my fathers presence I ALWAYS feel loved I have had the most tumultuous relationship with my mother. She has been mean, hateful and when confronted she is in complete denial. I have tried for many years to mend this relationship and still hold out hope that my mother will have an even bigger voice for change. I believe that everyone does what they do out of love or fear. I believe that my mother has been processing from a place of fear her entire life and that she has never truly loved herself so she has never been able to love others. She does not know what it feels like to be loved. I am holding the space open for her and for other alienators to step up to admit that they have done something that is hurting their children to own their behavior and to change. I know many of you reading this may think this is silly and impossible, at times I feel the same way, however in the past 90 days I have been working with a handful of parents that answered a call to participate in a study to see if they could change their behavior. I have to tell you the results are astounding. I have seen positive change in people that I never thought would be possible.
It is never to late to change. Anybody can do it. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes proactive action and conscious parenting. If you are an alienating parent and you know who you are reach out and seek the help you need to get right on the inside. Step up and really do what is necessary to provide a loving environment for your children. If you are a target parent take back your life. Do the work you need to do to become aware of how you are contributing. Stop thinking and acting like a victim and take control of the situation. Find the right people to help you take back your power and your relationship with your children. If you are a child of PAS adult or otherwise you are the true victim here but it does not have to stay that way. It really is never to late to take control of your life. To learn the skills you need to reconnect with your other parent and loved ones.
There are so many ways to bring our families together. So many things that we ALL can do differently. I am hear as a voice and as a leader in proactive and positive change.
Thank you letting me shares with you a brief glimpse into my personal journey with Parental Alienations.
Happy Fathers day to all of the wonderful fathers in the world. To the Fathers who are being denied the right to being an active father, just know that deep down inside your children they hold a space of unconditional love for you. They are just being robbed of their ability to take action and to show it☺ Say it out loud say it on this special day I LOVE YOU to your children even if they can’t hear you they can feel it. Unconditional love does not stop just because they are not in your everyday life
In love, light and peace,
Dorcy Russell
http://www.consciouscoparentinginstitute.com
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Conscious Co-Parenting Relationship: Making The Shift, Moving Your Divorced Family From Divided to United.
When couples with children divorce it becomes necessary for the parents to consciously redefine their relationship as it relates to the continued parenting of their children. Couples may choose to end their marital connection, but the parenting connection continues. It is vital to the health and well being of your children to step into your new role as conscious co-parents.
It requires a conscious effort to redesign or transform the marital relationship to one that focuses only on co-parenting. Without this conscious effort co-parenting relationships tend to evolve out of the conflict and negativity of the ending marriage. As a result, children are absorbing the stress of intense parental conflict when they should be absorbing gentle parental nurturing. When parents bring their children into their differences it is called parental Alienation. There are varying degrees of severity. There is conscious and unconscious parental alienation. The continued inappropriate behavior of the parents will cause parental alienation syndrome in the children.
Marital / committed relationships imply intimacy. As relationships break down the intimacy proceeds from positive to negative intimacy, unless there is a conscious effort to redefine the co-parenting relationship. Redefining the relationship requires that parents learn to consistently
1) Separate personal issues from parenting issues
2) Establish new boundaries.
3) Learn how to effectively communicate with each other by putting the children’s needs first.
The former husband and wife or committed couple now only interacts in the best interest of the children. The quality of those interactions highly affects the emotional security and well being of the children, as well as, their relationship with each parent. Healthy Conscious Co-parenting is a difficult but necessary task, thus the continued reference to it requiring a
Conscious effort. Parents are being asked to accomplish an "emotional contradiction". Possibly the most intense, highly conflict, negative experience in ones lifetime is that of the divorce experience. Then, to request that parents peacefully co-parent is truly an emotional contradiction. Developing a productive and conscious co-parenting relationship often requires outside help such as classes, counseling, or coaching or all of the above. It clearly requires, of the parents, a shift in
Their perception of each other.
Messages sent to divorced families have much to do with the negative experience parents and children encounter. The court system, religions, the mindset of family and friends, and the overall mindset toward the traditional family in many subtle ways lead parents and children of divorce to perceive themselves as inadequate, not whole, and generally not ok. Given the fact that over 50% marriages end up in divorce, it is vital to the well being of our children and to the future of the next generation of families to shift our limiting beliefs about family.
IT IS OK TO BE A DIVORCED FAMILY. It is ok if a child has two dads and one mom or two moms and two dads. What isn't ok is if conflict, deceit, manipulation, and anger are a continuous part of the parental interaction. When the co-parenting interactions prevent a child from a nurturing relationship with each parent, then, that co-parenting relationship needs to be consciously redefined.
Divorced parents have the right and responsibility to live and view themselves as whole and adequate human beings who have within them the power and ability to provide nurturing environments for their children.
Dorcy Russell
CEO/Founder
Conscious Co-Parenting Institute
Moving Divorced Families From Divided To United!
dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com
It requires a conscious effort to redesign or transform the marital relationship to one that focuses only on co-parenting. Without this conscious effort co-parenting relationships tend to evolve out of the conflict and negativity of the ending marriage. As a result, children are absorbing the stress of intense parental conflict when they should be absorbing gentle parental nurturing. When parents bring their children into their differences it is called parental Alienation. There are varying degrees of severity. There is conscious and unconscious parental alienation. The continued inappropriate behavior of the parents will cause parental alienation syndrome in the children.
Marital / committed relationships imply intimacy. As relationships break down the intimacy proceeds from positive to negative intimacy, unless there is a conscious effort to redefine the co-parenting relationship. Redefining the relationship requires that parents learn to consistently
1) Separate personal issues from parenting issues
2) Establish new boundaries.
3) Learn how to effectively communicate with each other by putting the children’s needs first.
The former husband and wife or committed couple now only interacts in the best interest of the children. The quality of those interactions highly affects the emotional security and well being of the children, as well as, their relationship with each parent. Healthy Conscious Co-parenting is a difficult but necessary task, thus the continued reference to it requiring a
Conscious effort. Parents are being asked to accomplish an "emotional contradiction". Possibly the most intense, highly conflict, negative experience in ones lifetime is that of the divorce experience. Then, to request that parents peacefully co-parent is truly an emotional contradiction. Developing a productive and conscious co-parenting relationship often requires outside help such as classes, counseling, or coaching or all of the above. It clearly requires, of the parents, a shift in
Their perception of each other.
Messages sent to divorced families have much to do with the negative experience parents and children encounter. The court system, religions, the mindset of family and friends, and the overall mindset toward the traditional family in many subtle ways lead parents and children of divorce to perceive themselves as inadequate, not whole, and generally not ok. Given the fact that over 50% marriages end up in divorce, it is vital to the well being of our children and to the future of the next generation of families to shift our limiting beliefs about family.
IT IS OK TO BE A DIVORCED FAMILY. It is ok if a child has two dads and one mom or two moms and two dads. What isn't ok is if conflict, deceit, manipulation, and anger are a continuous part of the parental interaction. When the co-parenting interactions prevent a child from a nurturing relationship with each parent, then, that co-parenting relationship needs to be consciously redefined.
Divorced parents have the right and responsibility to live and view themselves as whole and adequate human beings who have within them the power and ability to provide nurturing environments for their children.
Dorcy Russell
CEO/Founder
Conscious Co-Parenting Institute
Moving Divorced Families From Divided To United!
dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Parental Alienation, What is it?
Are you interfering with the relationship between your children and the other parent? So many people have asked me to explain exactly what Parental Alienation is. Many people are the target parents of Parental Alienation or are themselves in some varying degree alienating their child/children from the other parent either consciously or subconsciously. Because so many people are affected and do not know the proper terminology. In this article you will learn some of the basic ways children are brainwashed into believing they have to choose one parent over the other.
Parental Alienation has devastating effects on children. To prevent the effect you must recognize the symptoms of P.A.S. Parental Alienation Syndrome. A majority of the symptoms or behaviors focus on one target parent. When the child vilifies the targeted parent, demonstrating hatred, then the condition becomes parental alienation syndrome. Do not get discouraged if you notice after reading the list below that some of your own behaviors have been alienating. This is normal in even the best of parents. Instead, let this list help sensitize you to how you are behaving and what you are saying to your children.
Included here is a list of the most common forms of Alienating Behaviors:
1. Giving children choices concerning visitation when visits to the other parent are mandatory. Allowing the child to decide for themselves to visit when there is a court order.
2. Detailing to the child "everything" about the marital relationship or reasons for the divorce is alienating. The parent usually argues that they simply “wish to be honest" with their children.
3. Refusing to acknowledge the child’s own property and that the child may want to transport these possessions between residences.
5. Blaming the other (alienated) parent for financial problems, breaking up the family, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc.
6. Refusing to acknowledge the child’s needs for flexibility with the visitation schedule. The alienating parent may schedule the children in so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visit. Of course, when the targeted parent protests, they are described as not caring and selfish.
7. Assuming that physical abuse from one parent to another will translate into the abusive parent assaulting the child. This assumption is not always true.
8. Asking the child to choose one parent’s residence over another parent causes the child considerable distress.
9. When a parent or stepparent raises the question about changing the child's name or suggests an adoption.
10. When children cannot give reasons for being angry towards a parent or their reasons are very vague without any details.
11. A parent having secrets, special signals, a private rendezvous, or words with special meanings are very destructive to the child building a relationship with the other parent, and reinforce an on-going alienation.
12. When a parent uses a child to spy or covertly gather information for the parent's own use, the child receives a damaging message that demeans the target parent.
13. Parents setting up temptations that interfere with the child's visitation are practicing alienation.
14. A parent suggesting or reacting with hurt or sadness to their child having a good time with the other parent will cause the child to withdraw and not
communicate. They will frequently feel guilty or conflicted not knowing that it's "okay" to have fun with their other parent.
15. A parent asking the child about his/her other parent's personal life will cause the child considerable tension and conflict. Children who are not alienated want to be loyal to both parents.
16. Parents who physically or psychologically “rescue” the children when there is no threat to their safety. This practice reinforces in the child's mind the illusion of threat or danger.
17. Making demands on the other parent that is contrary to court orders.
18.Listening in on the children's phone conversation
Although the above list is long it is not inclusive there are other varying ways the alienating parent goes about denigrating the relationship with the child/children the target parent. listed are most of the common ways the denigration happens.
If you are participating in any of the above behavior you are causing emotional and psychological damage to your children. You may be angry and think that your behavior is only affecting your ex and simply is not the case. It is not to late to stop alienating behavior and turn things around for your children.
This may be happening to you and this may be the first time it has been identified for you. There are things you can to re-brand yourself in court and present your case from a more enlightened point of view. This takes conscious and strategic step to ensure a restored healthy relationship with you children. At Conscious Co-Parenting Institute we offer parenting classes and one on one coaching to assist you in achieving custody goals and building a healthy relationship between you and your children. contact me at dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com for more information.
If you feel like to are an alienating parent and you are discovering for the first time or maybe you have had that gut feeling that what you were doing was somehow hurting your children yet you did not know how to stop, we at Conscious Co-parenting Institute are looking for people like you who are interested in participating in a confidential study working through shifting this behavior. It is NEVER to late to change the impact you have on your children. If you would like to have a free confidential coaching session. Please contact me at dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com
We look forward to moving your family from divided to united.
Parental Alienation has devastating effects on children. To prevent the effect you must recognize the symptoms of P.A.S. Parental Alienation Syndrome. A majority of the symptoms or behaviors focus on one target parent. When the child vilifies the targeted parent, demonstrating hatred, then the condition becomes parental alienation syndrome. Do not get discouraged if you notice after reading the list below that some of your own behaviors have been alienating. This is normal in even the best of parents. Instead, let this list help sensitize you to how you are behaving and what you are saying to your children.
Included here is a list of the most common forms of Alienating Behaviors:
1. Giving children choices concerning visitation when visits to the other parent are mandatory. Allowing the child to decide for themselves to visit when there is a court order.
2. Detailing to the child "everything" about the marital relationship or reasons for the divorce is alienating. The parent usually argues that they simply “wish to be honest" with their children.
3. Refusing to acknowledge the child’s own property and that the child may want to transport these possessions between residences.
5. Blaming the other (alienated) parent for financial problems, breaking up the family, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc.
6. Refusing to acknowledge the child’s needs for flexibility with the visitation schedule. The alienating parent may schedule the children in so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visit. Of course, when the targeted parent protests, they are described as not caring and selfish.
7. Assuming that physical abuse from one parent to another will translate into the abusive parent assaulting the child. This assumption is not always true.
8. Asking the child to choose one parent’s residence over another parent causes the child considerable distress.
9. When a parent or stepparent raises the question about changing the child's name or suggests an adoption.
10. When children cannot give reasons for being angry towards a parent or their reasons are very vague without any details.
11. A parent having secrets, special signals, a private rendezvous, or words with special meanings are very destructive to the child building a relationship with the other parent, and reinforce an on-going alienation.
12. When a parent uses a child to spy or covertly gather information for the parent's own use, the child receives a damaging message that demeans the target parent.
13. Parents setting up temptations that interfere with the child's visitation are practicing alienation.
14. A parent suggesting or reacting with hurt or sadness to their child having a good time with the other parent will cause the child to withdraw and not
communicate. They will frequently feel guilty or conflicted not knowing that it's "okay" to have fun with their other parent.
15. A parent asking the child about his/her other parent's personal life will cause the child considerable tension and conflict. Children who are not alienated want to be loyal to both parents.
16. Parents who physically or psychologically “rescue” the children when there is no threat to their safety. This practice reinforces in the child's mind the illusion of threat or danger.
17. Making demands on the other parent that is contrary to court orders.
18.Listening in on the children's phone conversation
Although the above list is long it is not inclusive there are other varying ways the alienating parent goes about denigrating the relationship with the child/children the target parent. listed are most of the common ways the denigration happens.
If you are participating in any of the above behavior you are causing emotional and psychological damage to your children. You may be angry and think that your behavior is only affecting your ex and simply is not the case. It is not to late to stop alienating behavior and turn things around for your children.
This may be happening to you and this may be the first time it has been identified for you. There are things you can to re-brand yourself in court and present your case from a more enlightened point of view. This takes conscious and strategic step to ensure a restored healthy relationship with you children. At Conscious Co-Parenting Institute we offer parenting classes and one on one coaching to assist you in achieving custody goals and building a healthy relationship between you and your children. contact me at dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com for more information.
If you feel like to are an alienating parent and you are discovering for the first time or maybe you have had that gut feeling that what you were doing was somehow hurting your children yet you did not know how to stop, we at Conscious Co-parenting Institute are looking for people like you who are interested in participating in a confidential study working through shifting this behavior. It is NEVER to late to change the impact you have on your children. If you would like to have a free confidential coaching session. Please contact me at dorcy@consciouscoparentinginstitute.com
We look forward to moving your family from divided to united.
Monday, April 13, 2009
7 Key Elements To Avoid An Argument With Your Ex
Every time I have a conversation with my Ex we argue!
7 Key elements to avoid an argument
with your ex-spouse
Often times the alienating parent acts under the assumption-conscious or unconscious-that all their problems with her ex-spouse will go away if they can convince the children to hate that target ex-spouse. Since I’ve been working with target parents alienating parents and children I have yet to meet an alienating parent who is happy about what he or she is doing and the reason is simple: for these purposes of alienation does not work.
There are many different reasons why parents try to alienate the children from the other parent, though they are not usually conscious of their motives trying to resolve guilt for abandoning the family, an inability to control rage after feeling betrayed and getting defensive at the thought of losing a parental identity are all possible motives. Whatever the reason, when parental alienation is involved, one or both parents have a difficult time seeing the side of the other parent, this results in hurt feelings, anger and bitterness that last for years maybe even forever. The parent’s conversations are generally arguments and nothing ever gets resolved. Most of the time the target parent has to step up to the plate and take the high road. Included are a few key elements to learning how to take responsibility for your contributions as one of the two parents in your child/children’s lives.
1. Remain calm, and try not to make demands. Make suggestions and negotiate. If you don’t succeed at keeping the tension down, then agree to come back to the issue later.
2. Be specific about what you want. You should be able to describe in a way that the other person can literally visualize in their mind. If you are trying to get your ex-spouse to understand something you can’t explain where they can visualize it, then this fuels anger and that is unfair.
3. Avoid telling your ex-spouse that they are wrong. Instead, tell your ex-spouse that you have a different idea about how to handle a particular situation. This approach avoids someone being right and someone being wrong.
4. Understand that you don’t always have to agree. “Agreeing to disagree” is much better for the children than their parents continue to fight in front of them.
5. Put the issue into perspective. Ask yourself on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most important thing you have to handle and 1 and one being the least important thing, how important is this issue? If you rates 4 or less then it is probably not worth the battle putting the issue in perspective before create less tension all around.
6. Listen for feelings. The art of effective communication is the understanding of how love and fear interact with each other. A good communicator knows that people’s emotional state is an essential element to understanding them.
7. Develop compassion for your ex spouse. Our feelings are our birthright. Having certain feelings does not entitle us to act on then. There is a big difference between what we are entitled to feel and what we have a right to do. Use the Golden Rule “Treat people the way you want to be treated” and the Universal Rule “ Act the way you would want everyone to act” to guide you in the decision on what behavior is acceptable and what is not when communicating with your ex spouse.
These are just a few of the key elements in defusing or preventing a heated situation when dealing with your ex spouse. Remember that compassion is the ability to see the world through another person’s eyes. If you lead my example with having compassionate communication with your ex spouse you will teach your children this very effective and valuable life lesson.
7 Key elements to avoid an argument
with your ex-spouse
Often times the alienating parent acts under the assumption-conscious or unconscious-that all their problems with her ex-spouse will go away if they can convince the children to hate that target ex-spouse. Since I’ve been working with target parents alienating parents and children I have yet to meet an alienating parent who is happy about what he or she is doing and the reason is simple: for these purposes of alienation does not work.
There are many different reasons why parents try to alienate the children from the other parent, though they are not usually conscious of their motives trying to resolve guilt for abandoning the family, an inability to control rage after feeling betrayed and getting defensive at the thought of losing a parental identity are all possible motives. Whatever the reason, when parental alienation is involved, one or both parents have a difficult time seeing the side of the other parent, this results in hurt feelings, anger and bitterness that last for years maybe even forever. The parent’s conversations are generally arguments and nothing ever gets resolved. Most of the time the target parent has to step up to the plate and take the high road. Included are a few key elements to learning how to take responsibility for your contributions as one of the two parents in your child/children’s lives.
1. Remain calm, and try not to make demands. Make suggestions and negotiate. If you don’t succeed at keeping the tension down, then agree to come back to the issue later.
2. Be specific about what you want. You should be able to describe in a way that the other person can literally visualize in their mind. If you are trying to get your ex-spouse to understand something you can’t explain where they can visualize it, then this fuels anger and that is unfair.
3. Avoid telling your ex-spouse that they are wrong. Instead, tell your ex-spouse that you have a different idea about how to handle a particular situation. This approach avoids someone being right and someone being wrong.
4. Understand that you don’t always have to agree. “Agreeing to disagree” is much better for the children than their parents continue to fight in front of them.
5. Put the issue into perspective. Ask yourself on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most important thing you have to handle and 1 and one being the least important thing, how important is this issue? If you rates 4 or less then it is probably not worth the battle putting the issue in perspective before create less tension all around.
6. Listen for feelings. The art of effective communication is the understanding of how love and fear interact with each other. A good communicator knows that people’s emotional state is an essential element to understanding them.
7. Develop compassion for your ex spouse. Our feelings are our birthright. Having certain feelings does not entitle us to act on then. There is a big difference between what we are entitled to feel and what we have a right to do. Use the Golden Rule “Treat people the way you want to be treated” and the Universal Rule “ Act the way you would want everyone to act” to guide you in the decision on what behavior is acceptable and what is not when communicating with your ex spouse.
These are just a few of the key elements in defusing or preventing a heated situation when dealing with your ex spouse. Remember that compassion is the ability to see the world through another person’s eyes. If you lead my example with having compassionate communication with your ex spouse you will teach your children this very effective and valuable life lesson.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
7 key strategies to Overcoming Parental Alienation in Court!
A Proven Formula to Develop a Strategy
Designed to Attract Quality Professionals
That will assist you in
Getting More Time with Your Kids!...
Designed to Attract Quality Professionals
That will assist you in
Getting More Time with Your Kids!...
The greatest challenge most people face when they have been stripped of their God given rights to have time with their children is not knowing how to combat this in the family court system.
Most target parents hire a lawyer who has been trained to practice the finite narrow issues of the law and to not focus on any allegations that their client has been falsely accused. Attorneys do this out of fear and lack of training on how to defend these types of allegations. They are also dealing with judges who have a confirmatory bias and most attorneys have this bias themselves. This phenomenon does not happen based on your attorney not wanting what is best for you it happens based on the very know fact that family law attorneys are not educated in the form of defense.
Family court is a unique branch of law where the evidence of criminal law and rules don’t apply. They want to look at what is “in the BEST INTEREST of the child”. The judge lets his bias rule. Family law attorneys know this therefore and they feel that some time with your child, even if it is supervised is a win for them and you. Most attorneys also fear if for some reason you were abusive and something happened to your child while in your care they fear that this might fall on their shoulders so they are compelled to do what they always have done.
This fear based practice in family law continues to spiral out of control while good parents are missing opportunities to spend time with their children, having an active role as a parent like they once had when their marriage was intact. So many attorneys just want to focus on the reason why their clients are good parents and the fact that they are right. Because they are right, attorneys feel their clients should have time with their children, they would prefer unsupervised but will settle for supervised because of the confirmatory bias that has not been addressed in court.
This lack of properly defending their client come from prior experience in the family court system they have a preconceived notion of what is going to happen and so they practice law accordingly. Unfortunately the family court system was not designed to look at what is right and what is wrong. The family court system is designed to look out for the best interest of the child. If you are a target parent of Parental Alienation and you have been falsely accused of some type of abuse it is your job to prove to the court not only that you were falsely accused but MORE IMPORTANTLY that you were falsely villainized by the other parent. Being right in this situation will not get you more time with your child. It will at best only help you take one small step in the family court. What usually happens is you feel vindicated for a brief period of time only to realize that you still have not achieved your goals. BEING RIGHT AND INNOCENT DOE NOT MEAN A VICTORY IN FAMILY COURT. IT DOES NOT MEAN MORE TIME WITH YOUR CHILD.
Understanding the this Very IMPORTANT detail of your case will help start you in the right direction in hiring the right people for your team. There are a couple of key components here that are vital to ensure that you have the right people on your team, looking out for you and your relationship with your child.
Let me first state that if there is bona fide child abuse then this MUST be ruled out before Parental Alienation can be found. Using these strategies will only work if there is in fact provable evidence that there was not abuse.
The first step in defending yourself in court is to hire the right attorney. Even if this family law professional is not well versed in Parental Alienation does not mean that they can’t be trained to understand the importance of this phenomenon called Parental Alienation.
Most attorneys don’t want to recognize Parental Alienation as a topic of discussion let alone a means for defense. So if you go in saying you are a victim of Parental Alienation most, if not all, attorneys will either dismiss this or they will agree but tell you there is nothing you can do about that, the court does not recognize Parental Alienation as a defendable means for custody and attorneys will want to move on to another tactic. DON”T ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN! The Proof of who you are as a parent and why the accusations of abuse are false lies in your hands. It is important to remember that your relationship with your child is most important to you so therefore it is you who as to do most of the work to prepare your legal team to fight for your rights in court. They are not the experts on your relationship with your child YOU ARE! So you MUST educate you legal team.
1. Before you ever meet with an attorney it is best to go into your first meeting prepared with your defense. Do not rely on your attorney to provide this for you. Remember it is your relationship and your time with your child it is most important to you. There are some very important questions to ask your attorney before you have them represent you. You can see these questions at this blog post http://getmoretimewithyoukids.blogspot.com/2008/11/10-questions-to-ask-attorney-when.html.
Once you are comfortable with the outcome of these questions you a ready to hire your attorney and get them prepared for your case. The next six steps will help you hone in on the finite details of your situation and provide you and your legal team the tools needed to take you case to court.
2. Create a chronology or outline of everything great or small that the alienating parent has done over the time frame of which you have been separated to denigrate you and to villainized you to your child and to the court. Be specific this one document could me the lifeline to your case. The more detailed you are the more detailed your attorney can be for you in court. Spend time with family and friends going over these things to jog your memory. Be honest. If you can’t remember don’t make things up. If you are truly being alienated from your child there will be plenty of evidence to support your claim. If you are unfamiliar with the passive aggressive behaviors of an alienating parent spend some time researching those behaviors. I guarantee you will read plenty of things that will direct you in preparing your chronology.
3. Once you have hired your attorney and they are prepared to defend you in court and they understand that you are not just wanting to prove that you are right but that you have sufficient evidence to prove that your ex is villainizing you and trying to destroy your relationship with your child. Hire an evaluator who can interview you and be an expert witness for you. This evaluator is someone who understands that there are clinically proven characteristics of a violent on even non-violent child abuser. There are also characteristics of a domestic violence abuser if this is what you are being falsely accused of. This expert is well verse in these behaviors and there is a standard evaluation process that happens to prove that this is not only not you’re the characteristics of your behavior now it was not how you behaved when you were married. If there were times when your child was left in your care when you were married without fear from your ex this needs to be exploited in court.
4. Be sure that the summary of witnesses have been interviewed and review by both you and your attorney. So many times the falsely accused parent goes into the court without ever having all of their witnesses interviewed or without reviewing what the other witnesses had to say and without giving there attorneys the proper tools to combat these false allegations. The court and everyone involved from the child evaluator to therapist and even your own attorney will err on the side of caution and not even evaluate the interview of the child, if the allegations are false almost always the child is claiming abuse with leading questions in the interview with the evaluator. These interviews are always recorded and more times then not this one piece of evidence is enough to prove that you are not abusive. You must demand that you have the opportunity to review the summary motions list of witness and affidavits of both sides as well as reviewing the evaluator’s interview with your child.
5. Once you have gotten your attorney and your evaluators to see that you have been viliianized by your ex to destroy your relationship with your child, then it is key to be sure that they are prepared to go into court on your behalf with as much passion and conviction as you to get the judge to IDENTIFY with you being falsely accused and having a judge empathize with you here is imperative to the success of your case. Your goal again is to not proof that you are right and that you are innocent you goal is to prove that you have been villainized by your ex. This is the necessary component to having time with your child.
6. Once you have gone through all of the preparing for your defense against the false accusations you need to take your case a step further and go into court with the assumption of the only outcome possible which is the parenting arrangement you desire that truly is in the BEST interest of your child. Prepare this parenting plan with as much detail and care as if your very life depended on it or more importantly the life of your child depends on it. Once you have gotten the judge to empathize with you, to feel your pain and the pain of your child. Then you have to have the next step. Waiting for the judge or your attorney to decide what is best will always result is an undesired result. Tell them what is best. Show them why it is best. BE prepared. The judge is not going to place your child into your custody or give your more custody based on your saying you are prepared you have to show them you are prepared.
7. Take a parenting class and be sure you complete the calls and get a written certification from the class. Take the certification to your attorney before you go to court so that you have this to present along with all of your other evidence, this is additional proof of the quality of parent you and your commitment to being present for your child and proving once again you are doing everything you can to be the best parent you can possibly be for your child. Just because you have gotten the judge to empathize with you does not mean they will give you what you want right away. They are still operating on the old bias and fear. Often times they will take baby steps and in cases where there is Parental Alienation, time is not on your side. So why wait for the judge to err on the side of time and caution and require you to take parenting classes. Be prepared for this and take them before you go. Everyone who is a parent can benefit from parenting classes. Taking them does not prove you are bad parent, quite to opposite, in fact, it shows the judge and your legal team that you are a good parent and that parenting your child is the most important thing to you. It is a proactive approach to being the best parent you can be.
The end result is of course you have successfully turned your case of Parental Alienation around and taken control of your life and your relationship with you child. These tasks are not impossible; they may be difficult, but not impossible and even in severe cases of Parental Alienation there is hope.
Remembering that this is a VERY emotional process and remembering the hurt and the pain of being alienated from your child will most likely be one of the worst pains you ever feel. Just remember they are being brainwashed they really don’t now why they are behaving the way that they are, and DON”T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY! Unconditional love is not a two way street. that this is not an easy task and this cat won’t be skinned by traditional conventional family law practices is important. It will be skinned by stepping out of the box. Taking charge of your life and your relationship with your child. It will happen by taking victim out of your vocabulary. There is no room for a victim in your family life with your child. There is only room for the unconditional love that you were put on this earth to give to your child when you made the decision to bring that child into this world. Your child and you deserve nothing less the a healthy loving relationship and in order for you to have it you MUST be proactive in taking the steps of very serious legal matter and work with competent team that has been educated by you about your specific situation. You can try to do these things on your own are you could hire a coach to mentor you and guide you through this process to assist in maximizing your results.
Monday, November 17, 2008
10 Questions to Ask an Attorney when Dealing with PA
Before you ever meet with an attorney it is best to go into your first meeting prepared with your defense. Do not rely on your attorney to provide this for you. Remember it is your relationship and your time with your child it is most important to you.
There are some very important questions to ask your attorney before you have them represent you.
a. What is in your opinion does “In the best interest of the child mean to you”
b. If I can prove to you that I have been falsely accused of abuse what will you do to defend my case and why?
c. What do you know about the judge hearing my custody case and how does he view Parental Alienation?
d. What do you know about parental Alienation and how do you feel about it?
e. Have you ever used it as a defense in a custody case and was it effective?
f. If you don’t feel that Parental Alienation terminology is a one that can be used in family court, yet you believe that this phenomenon happens, how would you feel if I were to provide you with the tools needed to defend my position?
g. I understand that I am hiring you to defend me in court and to arrange custody that is not only suitable for me, but more importantly what is best for my child, how comfortable are you with presenting in court the provable detailed chronology proving that my ex has charged me with false allegations of abuse to denigrate me and destroy my relationship with my child?
h. I know that there will be witnesses provided on both sides. How detailed are you at following up with those depositions and affidavits to be sure that no stones goes unturned? Using all of our assets to provide the best outcome possible.
i. Since we all know that legal fees in custody and divorce cases can get very high what type of policy or guarantee can you give me if I am providing you with all of the tools you need up front to effectively defend and protect me and my child in court to keep my fees as low as possible?
j. Lastly as you can see my time with my child is important to me to ensure that my child has a healthy loving relationship with both of his/her parents. I am doing everything that I can to be sure that I have a productive day in court and to ensure that I am heard and that we are successful. It is not as important for me to be right, as is it for me to be successful. I want to be sure that we are in agreement on this and that we are both of the same understanding of what this means. I understand that family court has run the same way for many years and so many families fall victim to the system and I do not want to be one of these families. I understand that I can’t control the behavior of ex but I can control how we approach this judge and this court and I want to be sure that when a custody arrangement has been put in place by the judge that if the arrangements are broken by my ex that there are enforceable consequences so that time does not pass and continued denigration happens and I and do not see my child. What actions are you prepared to take on my behalf to ensure that consequences are enforced and that I see my child?
Once you are comfortable with the outcome of these questions you a ready to hire your attorney and get them prepared for your case. This is your life and your relationship with your children. It is most important to you so therefor it is most important that YOU prepare you legal team. For additional strategies and to go deeper into your personal case please join me at http://www.getmoretimewithyourkids.com
Creating Successful Parenting Agreements,
Dorcy Russell
There are some very important questions to ask your attorney before you have them represent you.
a. What is in your opinion does “In the best interest of the child mean to you”
b. If I can prove to you that I have been falsely accused of abuse what will you do to defend my case and why?
c. What do you know about the judge hearing my custody case and how does he view Parental Alienation?
d. What do you know about parental Alienation and how do you feel about it?
e. Have you ever used it as a defense in a custody case and was it effective?
f. If you don’t feel that Parental Alienation terminology is a one that can be used in family court, yet you believe that this phenomenon happens, how would you feel if I were to provide you with the tools needed to defend my position?
g. I understand that I am hiring you to defend me in court and to arrange custody that is not only suitable for me, but more importantly what is best for my child, how comfortable are you with presenting in court the provable detailed chronology proving that my ex has charged me with false allegations of abuse to denigrate me and destroy my relationship with my child?
h. I know that there will be witnesses provided on both sides. How detailed are you at following up with those depositions and affidavits to be sure that no stones goes unturned? Using all of our assets to provide the best outcome possible.
i. Since we all know that legal fees in custody and divorce cases can get very high what type of policy or guarantee can you give me if I am providing you with all of the tools you need up front to effectively defend and protect me and my child in court to keep my fees as low as possible?
j. Lastly as you can see my time with my child is important to me to ensure that my child has a healthy loving relationship with both of his/her parents. I am doing everything that I can to be sure that I have a productive day in court and to ensure that I am heard and that we are successful. It is not as important for me to be right, as is it for me to be successful. I want to be sure that we are in agreement on this and that we are both of the same understanding of what this means. I understand that family court has run the same way for many years and so many families fall victim to the system and I do not want to be one of these families. I understand that I can’t control the behavior of ex but I can control how we approach this judge and this court and I want to be sure that when a custody arrangement has been put in place by the judge that if the arrangements are broken by my ex that there are enforceable consequences so that time does not pass and continued denigration happens and I and do not see my child. What actions are you prepared to take on my behalf to ensure that consequences are enforced and that I see my child?
Once you are comfortable with the outcome of these questions you a ready to hire your attorney and get them prepared for your case. This is your life and your relationship with your children. It is most important to you so therefor it is most important that YOU prepare you legal team. For additional strategies and to go deeper into your personal case please join me at http://www.getmoretimewithyourkids.com
Creating Successful Parenting Agreements,
Dorcy Russell
5 Self Loving Things To Do When You Are Faced With Parental Alienation.
1. It is important to remember that your child’s behavior and rejection of you is a by product of brain washing and that even if your child is being malicious and creating their own horrible version of the truth this is based on the fact that children can only see in black and white or right and wrong terms and they have difficulty discerning the difference between what is truth and what is fiction. Contributing to the brainwashing is the “power of the crowd” phenomenon recognized by psychologists when extended family and friends join in. We all are familiar with this phenomenon because of our own personal experiences and varying levels of this phenomenon and it is key to NOT TAKE YOUR CHILD'S REJECTION PERSONALLY and TO NOT BLAME YOUR CHILD FOR THE PATHOLOGY OF THE ALIENATING PARENT. YOUR CHILD STILL LOVES YOU HE/OR SHE DOES NOT REMEMBER HOW WHILE THEY ARE CAUGHT UP IN THIS SYNDROME.
2. During the discovery and process of PAS it is vital to remember that you may be a victim of PAS but you don’t have to have a victim mindset. It is important to take care of yourself during this difficult time and to love yourself and stay strong and connected for your child. If you do not have a therapist or a coach it is recommended to interview several to be sure that they have a full understanding of PAS and that they caring, skilled and knowledgeable. The acceptance that they give you will be modeled and internalized by you and will become a very vital component to your therapeutic and coaching process. Find ways to nurture and sustain yourself. You know what nurtures you so, do it! Make sure that you include mind body and soul.
3. When your child has refused all contact, repeated contact must be maintained at all times. You as the target parent must call, write, and attempt contact with your child, especially around holidays, birthdays, and other significant occasions. A great way to remain connected with today’s technology is to create a website or an online mode of communication for your child. You can also keep a journal for those of you that do not have any contact with your children create a daily journal where you can share your positive thoughts and feelings if you were having a conversation with your child. This will help you get feel connected to your child and you could provide your journal as a loving gift to your child when you have reconnected and reestablished your bond. Remember that without contradictory evidence, the child has no way to see the alternative reality.
4. During this time of separation it is very important to build inner tools and find inner strength. The use of things like creative visualization, positive self thought, and thought-stopping of negativity and the creation of positive images are examples of some of tools that I teach in aiding you in the process so that you may be in the best frame of heart and mind when you reconnect with your child. Some of my clients have visualized things like a bridge or a golden cord extending from their heart to the heart of their child, some visualize with adding a song that they shared with their child or a song that has meanings of love and connection. Some even visualize their child being guided to them by the hands of a divine being. What you choose to do here is what you did when you were with your child that helps you feel connected. Do what you need to do to identify and process what you are feeling because if you feel what you are feeling it will heal you.
5. Develop a spiritual awareness. The use of prayer, different forms of meditation, energy work, affirmations, traditional methods reaching out and building a support system of friends and family members as well as groups of others going through the same process, educating yourself and those around you so that you stay abreast to the latest strategies and developments in the family law. These types of techniques assist in providing hope, inspiration, and perseverance in a situation that seems impossible. They provide a level of “spiritual parenting” and a sense of control in a circumstance that is beyond your control.
You are in control of your own life and it is vital to remember to take care of yourself so that when the time comes for you to reconnect with your child you are whole and ready.
2. During the discovery and process of PAS it is vital to remember that you may be a victim of PAS but you don’t have to have a victim mindset. It is important to take care of yourself during this difficult time and to love yourself and stay strong and connected for your child. If you do not have a therapist or a coach it is recommended to interview several to be sure that they have a full understanding of PAS and that they caring, skilled and knowledgeable. The acceptance that they give you will be modeled and internalized by you and will become a very vital component to your therapeutic and coaching process. Find ways to nurture and sustain yourself. You know what nurtures you so, do it! Make sure that you include mind body and soul.
3. When your child has refused all contact, repeated contact must be maintained at all times. You as the target parent must call, write, and attempt contact with your child, especially around holidays, birthdays, and other significant occasions. A great way to remain connected with today’s technology is to create a website or an online mode of communication for your child. You can also keep a journal for those of you that do not have any contact with your children create a daily journal where you can share your positive thoughts and feelings if you were having a conversation with your child. This will help you get feel connected to your child and you could provide your journal as a loving gift to your child when you have reconnected and reestablished your bond. Remember that without contradictory evidence, the child has no way to see the alternative reality.
4. During this time of separation it is very important to build inner tools and find inner strength. The use of things like creative visualization, positive self thought, and thought-stopping of negativity and the creation of positive images are examples of some of tools that I teach in aiding you in the process so that you may be in the best frame of heart and mind when you reconnect with your child. Some of my clients have visualized things like a bridge or a golden cord extending from their heart to the heart of their child, some visualize with adding a song that they shared with their child or a song that has meanings of love and connection. Some even visualize their child being guided to them by the hands of a divine being. What you choose to do here is what you did when you were with your child that helps you feel connected. Do what you need to do to identify and process what you are feeling because if you feel what you are feeling it will heal you.
5. Develop a spiritual awareness. The use of prayer, different forms of meditation, energy work, affirmations, traditional methods reaching out and building a support system of friends and family members as well as groups of others going through the same process, educating yourself and those around you so that you stay abreast to the latest strategies and developments in the family law. These types of techniques assist in providing hope, inspiration, and perseverance in a situation that seems impossible. They provide a level of “spiritual parenting” and a sense of control in a circumstance that is beyond your control.
You are in control of your own life and it is vital to remember to take care of yourself so that when the time comes for you to reconnect with your child you are whole and ready.
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